Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Still a very good boi….
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.