I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad