If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
He-man has a Masters degree
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug