arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
You Might Also Like
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
🔦🌙👣
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.