When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Dietest Coke
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”