I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
But is it really??
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?