At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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Why soy sad?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.