[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!