I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.