A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
*looks at you in batman voice*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I鈥檓 so excited, I鈥檝e never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[blind date]
Her: Where鈥檚 your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we鈥檙e all talking about them and i鈥檓 just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we鈥檙e not allowed to know and that鈥檚 the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won鈥檛 tell i swear
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Mornin
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he鈥檚 a weirdo or he鈥檚 punishing himself for swearing again
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If I didn鈥檛 have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANC脡: Yeah…hi
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.