If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Breaking news:
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me