it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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I’m already scared
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
23. the denim jacket
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers