Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The asteroid..
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Thursday
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Ken is short for chicken