“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
wish me luck lads
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”