Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
not to brag, but mine was free
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot