These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
So the ex texted me
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Lube but for my dry humor.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*