– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
5 ways to appear taller
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
This week’s mood.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression