The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?