[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?