My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin