Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Monica just destroyed the internet
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?