*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.