The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink