Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.