When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Friday
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.