PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
my professor scared me for a second
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
good let them take over I have had enough
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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