Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My favorite female superhero
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s