15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory