Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?