I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Not😆🤣
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied