Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
You Might Also Like
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Donkey Kong sommelier
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house