Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.