If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.