I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.