Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!![]()
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apparently this year was written by stephen king
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.