Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!
*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
are there any atheist mantises?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
*tries to be less adorable*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”