@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

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@HallpassCanada

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

@Parentpains

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

@Home_Halfway

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

@DogGoing

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

@jamieramone

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

@KayRants

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!