If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
The French cow says MEUX…
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?