Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

stop

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.