Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
SCARY COSTUME
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up