As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Wake me when AI does housework
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.