‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.