chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.