When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
the best thing i’ve ever made
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.