One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
At least my masseuse has my back.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste