[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon