[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Oh thanks BBC.
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?