Oh thanks BBC.
You Might Also Like
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
What a year we’ve had this week.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.