[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Story of my life…..
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure