Story of my life…..
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
grotesque if literal: baby food
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Grandmother clock.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine