[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You Might Also Like
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
🤣😂
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.