Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Meow
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I am all good here, 😂😉
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
courtroom exchange of the day
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?