I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me recordaron éste meme
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.