Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
When you let grandma cat sit
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.