If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
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Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
early stone age tool
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean